Much Loved

"Dear friends, 

Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." 

-1 Peter 4:12-13

There is this deep, gnawing, suffocating pain that never completely goes away even on the good days since we began our adoption process back in February 2010. I don't know if that is because of adoption or because of what I have witnessed in Haiti or simply because this world is immeasurably broken. Each day I learn a little more what I don't know and a little more Who I do know. I think of all that once was that is now gone, all that has been stripped away, and there is only one thing that still makes sense, only one thing that remains. 

Love. Much love. 




If we had known what we know now, well, I don't know. I don't know if we would have stepped into the life we are now living. That is why He doesn't let us know. So that we will know but One..."to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings". We didn't know and we still don't know but we chose and choose to love NO MATTER WHAT. We can only love because of Him that first loved us...unconditionally, painfully, with no end in sight, with no knowlege of the time of His return to redeem once and for all the brokeness He came to save.

Here in Haiti we have come face to face with death, with slavery, with physical, mental, and spiritual abuse, neglect, poverty, starvation, sickness, trauma, loss, fear, lies, pride, corruption, murder and hate. Pure evil. Cruel injustice. We long for justice. We ask "why?" We know why because we know that Jesus had to suffer all these things too and so we must. So we ask "when?" How long oh Lord? And we are told, 

“It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority." -Acts 1:7




There is so much that we are not supposed to know. We find ourselves overwhelmingly caught between beauty and brokenness. This is what I hate about Haiti. This is what I love about Haiti. Haiti is so beautiful. Haiti is so deplorable. We are constantly reminded of the world as God intended it to be and what the fall of man has done with it. The senses are continually confused in the contrast. It upsets my stomach tremendously. The churning inside never stops. We hold tight to hope. But we often feel like Job when he said "when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness". -Job 30:26 So I go to sleep with this unquenchable ache and I wake up wishing it gone. But it never leaves. So I pray each morning for Christ's return. I seek encouragement to get me through the day and read and re-read,

"I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus: 

My continual Presence and the hope of heaven." 

"You can find Me not only in beauty and birdcalls, but also in tragedy and faces filled with grief.

I can take the deepest sorrow and weave it into a pattern for good."

-Jesus Calling

We are in training. All of us. Those of us adopting from places like Haiti voluntarily signed up for the intensive course. We thought we were tough. We didn't know how tough Satan is. How relentless he is! Many times our focus has been getting the dossier done, or planning a trip to Haiti, or fundraising, or trying to survive THE WAITING, or trying to breathe when someone tells you that nearly everything you have ever thought about your adoption/child's story is a lie and that because of that lie YOU will have to go through everything you have been focusing on surviving through ALL OVER AGAIN. It is then that you know that you might not ever know anything else other than the reality of surviving on His Presence and the hope of heaven. And if you don't know Him, then I'm not sure how you survive. This has to be why He tarries. So that others will come to know Him. If not for suffering how would those who don't know Him come to grips with their own brokenness? If it were not for our deepest sorrows, how could we ever fellowship in His sufferings? And if His sufferings were only for our good, for the good of the world, and for His glory then surely our sufferings are intended for the same...weaving a pattern for good."It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil." -1 Peter 3:17

Much of the time it feels like evil is winning. 

"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless." -Psalm 10:14

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."-Psalm 119:50

We cling to His promises and we are comforted.

Our comfort overflows to others suffering and their fellowship comforts us.

 "For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." -2 Corinthians 1:5-7

I have never felt the application of this verse in the way I have the past two days. Most of the time it doesn't seem best to share the things that we have suffered or are suffering. I generally feel like these things would bring others down. Some have told me in the past that "it is hard to read your blog sometimes because it can be heavy". But "if we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort"...sharing our sufferings allows you to share in our comfort. This is the weaving of a pattern for good out of evil. It is how we love. It is how He first loved us. We want you to share in our sufferings and we want to share in yours. We were not designed to carry heavy alone.

One of my comforts in our failed adoption process of our daughter Esmée is that the name we chose for her in the beginning means "Much Loved". I often think, "if only she really knew what we have gone through for her...if only she knew how much she is loved". Then I remember that this is exactly what God thinks about us. His suffering and response of love = my comfort. We pray our sufferings will = someone elses comfort too. We pray that as our hearts break together for the things that break God's heart "that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God."

Until our hope of heaven is realized, 

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."-1 Peter 5:8-10