Last week was a hard week. The boys started back to school and the girls didn't. The girls need a good bit of structure and that simply wasn't happening last week. I was completely undone by Friday. Armies of problems seemed to be marching toward us and the disgusting display of attitude from our teenager wasn't helping. I use the word "disgusting" because that is her word of the week. Every third thing she talks about is "disgusting" according to her. Her attitude last week was entirely disgusting and I was feeling entirely guilty for any contribution on my part that would cause her to act that way. It is in moments like this that my thoughts wander to how much easier life could be if we hadn't felt so called to adopt in the first place. The trouble. The heartache. The sacrifices. I never quite get to regretting the decision to adopt but there are times when I am scary close.
I recently joined a new Bible study group on Friday mornings that I've really enjoyed this summer. There is one other fellow adoptive mom in the group that has been in the Haiti adoption process since 2008 and moved to Haiti to be with her kids. I was praying with my friend over our adoptions and confessed my feelings of utter failure and sometimes wondering what life would be like if we were not in this awful blessing of adoption. My friend later thanked me for admitting that I sometimes felt that way. I said, "yeah but I also think about all the things that we have learned and all the people we can encourage because of what we have experienced in this adoption process and that maybe it is worth it because of that." But to be honest, it is still really hard.
Friday was the first time I have taken my girls with me to Bible study (though teenager gave me disgusting attitude about having to go). Shortly after our prayer time I heard my daughter (the sass mouth one) cry out from the other room "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Help!!!" I knew there were large dogs about and knew she was afraid by the sound of her cry. She tells me at least once a week that she doesn't like dogs. She usually handles herself pretty well but dogs can clearly sense her fear. One dog sensed a little too much on Friday and tried to snap at her. This really scared her. I was just thankful she didn't get bit and didn't think too much else about it at the time.
The next morning as I was praying over our armies of problems including sassy daughter, her cry "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Help!!!" played over and over in my mind. I laughed and cried at the same time while thinking about her tough big girl exterior being stripped away to the terrified cry of a small child. This is who she really is. There are days when she puts back on the survival suit and acts like she doesn't care. But she isn't living in survival mode anymore and she eventually gives up her act. She is loved, feels protected and knows that she doesn't have to take care of herself anymore. She is entirely dependent on us. Even though she fights that at times, she also rest in that.
I was reading my devotional that morning for August 18th right after I prayed and the following jumped out at me,
I recently joined a new Bible study group on Friday mornings that I've really enjoyed this summer. There is one other fellow adoptive mom in the group that has been in the Haiti adoption process since 2008 and moved to Haiti to be with her kids. I was praying with my friend over our adoptions and confessed my feelings of utter failure and sometimes wondering what life would be like if we were not in this awful blessing of adoption. My friend later thanked me for admitting that I sometimes felt that way. I said, "yeah but I also think about all the things that we have learned and all the people we can encourage because of what we have experienced in this adoption process and that maybe it is worth it because of that." But to be honest, it is still really hard.
Friday was the first time I have taken my girls with me to Bible study (though teenager gave me disgusting attitude about having to go). Shortly after our prayer time I heard my daughter (the sass mouth one) cry out from the other room "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Help!!!" I knew there were large dogs about and knew she was afraid by the sound of her cry. She tells me at least once a week that she doesn't like dogs. She usually handles herself pretty well but dogs can clearly sense her fear. One dog sensed a little too much on Friday and tried to snap at her. This really scared her. I was just thankful she didn't get bit and didn't think too much else about it at the time.
The next morning as I was praying over our armies of problems including sassy daughter, her cry "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Help!!!" played over and over in my mind. I laughed and cried at the same time while thinking about her tough big girl exterior being stripped away to the terrified cry of a small child. This is who she really is. There are days when she puts back on the survival suit and acts like she doesn't care. But she isn't living in survival mode anymore and she eventually gives up her act. She is loved, feels protected and knows that she doesn't have to take care of herself anymore. She is entirely dependent on us. Even though she fights that at times, she also rest in that.
I was reading my devotional that morning for August 18th right after I prayed and the following jumped out at me,
"The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for Me.
When you became a Christian, I infused My very Life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on Me. Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you--the best place to encounter Me in My Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me!"
Jesus Calling
Jesus Calling
I think about the many ways I have often sass mouthed the One who rescued me. I think about how easy His life could have been if it had not been for sinners like me. I think about my inadequacies, how I could never have rescued myself. I think again about adoption being a picture of what Christ has done for me--how He is there when I cry out for help. I am reminded.
My daughter's cry out for help reminded me. It reminded me that adopting her is worth it no matter how disgusting our days. It is worth it because she now has a mommy.
Who did she cry out to before she knew her mommy?
Who do you cry out to if you do not know your Savior?
Oh Elisabeth I just loved this blog - as I thought the very thing last night as I sat and tickled my 17 year old son's head for hours because he wasn't feeling good. My 17 year old who reminds me daily that he is a young man and can't wait to leave for college. My young man who challenges my authority daily.... who tries to fight his battles alone yet falls into my lap like a 5 year old when he has a minor headache!! He doesn't have to wear the survival suit anymore - he fights that yet rests in it. I just love how you put that:)
ReplyDeleteThank you for reminding me that those moments are why I was called to adopt and for reminding of God's love for me!!!!