Manje Madness

We have wondered and prayed for so long over what it would be like to have our girls with us in our home, with our other children, around our friends and family. We have always felt and believed that our girls were hand picked by God for us and for them. But we still wondered. We wondered if we would be among the many horror stories we have heard from other adoptive families. We know that statistically at least 1/3 of kids that come from backgrounds similar to our girls are never able to fully grasp love, nurture, and security even in the most stable and best case scenarios. We knew there was a chance this could happen for us (suppose it still could), but we still believed and trusted that God was calling us to adopt our girls despite these statistics, knowing the environment they are coming from, and the painful and costly adoption process God has given us the strength and resources to endure. We have had many people ask us how things are going with the girls here in Haiti. We had many people tell us that they wondered how the girls would feel about us being in Haiti and not "getting" to just live in the states. Without being too long winded and because I want to get to the "manje madness" part of the story sometime before midnight, I will just say for now that the girls are doing really great with us! We have seen/experienced NO red flags that we believe would signal that the girls are not bonding or will not be able to overcome their current struggles (which are primarily learning a new language, limited education, and according to them "manje"). The girls absolutely love it that we live in Haiti and since they've never known anything other than cold showers, they truly believe they've upgraded to princess when I boil water for them and pour it in a pot for a "bath". They are very comfortable here in Haiti (meaning that while they do not like their orphan status or the sad situation this puts them in...they still love Haiti). They are more comfortable with us because we are here in Haiti, amongst their people, eating their food, speaking their language. And the fact that they are not having to give up Haiti to gain a family or the states is a constant comfort to them. But that doesn't mean they don't want to come to the states. And they are fully aware that they are coming to the states as soon as their visas are issued (We have to bring them back to our home in the states since our adoption process took place in the states.We will have to obtain proof of U.S. citizenship so they can get U.S. passports before we can all return to Haiti)...but that's another story. I'm only including it now because it was included in the girls list of "things they struggle with" that they told us tonight. 

The girls have been with us off an on since September (mostly on Haitian and U.S. holidays and some weekends). The rest of the time they are at their orphanage or attending their Haitian school. We've been able to have them with us for the Christmas holidays and are going on 9 days now! The past few nights we have instigated nightly meetings with the girls to discuss the pros and cons of the day. We find at least a few things to praise them for that they are doing well, and talk about the things that we/they need to work on the next day. Most of the time these meetings do not go as well as we would like for them to (because of language barriers, insecurities the girls have about "being in trouble", plain ole stubborness, and the inability to sit still for 2 seconds without grabbing and chewing on anything within arms reach) but we make a little more progress each time.

Tonight we talked to the girls (in a prepared Creole speech) and after they had read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in their Kreyol Bibla. The speech centered around them making a choice to do the right thing (which is listening and obeying mom and dad) the first time so that things will go good for them and that if they do not choose to listen and obey, but only do what they want that things will not go good for them. We can now have these conversations without fearing communicating this as rejection because we are certain our girls feel secure in our love for and commitment to them. They no longer question whether or not their positive or negative actions will improve upon our love. They know we love them just as much when they act attrociously as when they act beautifully. All of their "issues" that we have seen are somewhat normal adjustment issues and we have been pleasantly surprised that they seem to be doing better than the "norm".  The most obvious issue is the "manje". Tonight (in a hilarious and humbling turn of events) we found out that this issue is just as obvious to the girls as it is to us!

After our little speech and a battle of the wills over eye contact, we asked the girls what things they thought we needed to work on tomorrow. No answer other than giggles and grabs at the paper and pen on the coffee table which immediately made it's way into their mouths. Reworded question a few times until it was something like, "What is the biggest struggle you face each day?" This time we got an answer in unison to the question meant for them individually. The answer. "Manje". "Manje" in Creole means both "food" and "eat". Our answer, "We know that is your main concern", but you know you have manje here. So what other things do we need to work on tomorrow (sooooo hoping to get at least one character quality, or just the word "obeyi")?" No such luck. Again they both said, "Manje". We then had another little speech (this speech is like a broken record by now) about food, about how we know the food has not always been there for them in the past, but that it is always going to be there for them when they are with us (so they don't have to act like a pack of starving wolves at all hours of the day)! Then we praised them (yet again) for doing so much better with asking before they grab food and for only taking what they need to eat (we were so surprised that for once they didn't pile their plates embarrassingly high at our Christmas Eve event and gave the reason as "not so hungry".  

At the mention of the topic of "asking before you take the manje" they decided to capitalize on their chance to point out our parenting issues. They pointed fingers (and Esmée stuck out her tongue at Dad) saying (and still not diverging from the manje subject) that "Mom di wi men dad di no! Toujou!". Translation: Mom says yes (when we ask for food) and dad says no! Always!" Then they pranced about mouthing "Mom di wi. Dad di no!" The truth is that I am usually the one in the kitchen, and when they ask (at least they are now asking politely), I do always say "yes". But more than half the time my "yes" is accompanied by "but later". The girls typically ask dad for manje either right before or after a meal, which generally gets an answer of "no". While Eric and I were trying to gather ourselves for another speech about not asking the other parent after the first has said "no", one of our precious princesses said, "Dad piti Satan. Mom piti Jezi". Translation: Dad's a little Satan. Mom's a little Jesus. Ok now that was pushing it a bit too far...yet we knew we had already lost the battle in where we hoped this conversation would end up and decided that we could either be really mad or just laugh our heads off! 

Some background here. Today we decided to take a walk to a nearby restaurant with the kids for lunch. The kids and I got quick sandwhiches and not so fresh slices of pre-made pizza. Eric on the other hand wanted a fresh pizza. By the time (which is usually about an hour and 1/2) Eric's pizza came, the kids were hungry (or at least were acting like they were) again and all of us wanted a taste of fresh hot pizza too! Eric was being stingy with his long awaited pizza. The rest of us refused to let him enjoy his pizza and were being greedy little pigs. The pizza box made it out of the restaurant with some pizza still inside that was labeled, "dad's pizza". Upon exciting the restaurant Evan points to a man in our path declaring, "look, he is missing his hand". The man who decided this was prime negotiating material stepped up to us and said (in perfect English while waiving his handless arm in my face), "You see I don't have many opportunities. I am very hungry. My belly is very empty.". I glance over at Eric who is tightly gripping his pizza box and then at my kids who are watching to see how we will respond to the handless man. I wanted to give the man a slice of pizza. Eric thought it was a better idea to tell him to take a walk with us and he would "find him some food". I thought that was ridiculous when clearly the man was eyeing the pizza in front of his face and I honestly didn't want him to have to walk two blocks so I could make him a sandwich at home. Eric thought it was rude that I didn't want him following us home...and later told me that he wanted him to walk with us so he could get him a drink as well. At the time I thought it was rude that Eric didn't want to give him the pizza. The pizza won out, but the spousal disputes that followed didn't exactly make this a great lesson in "if your neighbor is hungry...". It's not like every couple is prepared for what you should do when handless men come up to you asking you for food in front of your 4 children...and it's not like this doesn't happen to us just about every day in Haiti....we just don't usually have a much coveted pizza box in hand. Eric and I understood each others viewpoints later, but the girls were not involved in that understanding. Evidently they calculated this scene as one more mark against dad in the manje dept. They love their daddy dearly. They just don't like it when he tells them they can't eat his pizza. 

The moral of this story is to never underestimate the importance of the "MANJE" to your adopted child. We (stupid us) still tried to turn the conversation from viewing their parents as little Satan and little Jesus a few more times asking what they most liked about getting to be with us in Haiti. Answer: "Manje" (though they were giggling and gave us a look that said, "we really love being in a family"). Finally we got a answer besides "manje" when we asked, "What is your biggest wish right now?" They looked down and got real serious, then looked up and said, "visas".  The night before they had asked me if they would have to go back to the orphanage again. I painfully told them "I don't know. But if you do have to go back, it won't be too much longer before you will be ours forever. You are legally our daughters in Haiti now...we are just waiting on your passports and visas!" The last thing on the list "the visa" loomed before them as the main obstacle keeping them in their orphan's night. We tried to lighten the mood a bit then by asking, "What is the first thing you want to do when you get to the states?" Answer: "Manje". "Yes, but what else are you excited about doing when we get the visas and take you to the states?" Answer: "Manje pizza anpil" (Eating a lot of pizza). Apparently our boys have been informing the girls about CiCi's pizza buffet. 

We've been missing our American restaurant variety lately, and the girls have overheard us talking about this some. But what we are really missing are those visas. Especially since I'm still trying to figure out if we need the visa along with the adoption decree (which we have) in order to claim our adoptions were finalized in 2011 for tax purposes. Visas. Grrrr. I'm with you girls! Sure hoping the visas aren't the deciding factor so that we can qualify for the adoption tax refund in 2011 and celebrate with manje pizza anpil for everyone!

Praises, Prayers, and Progress!

First of all, THANK YOU to those who prayed for our U.S. Embassy appointments and adoption re-approval paperwork. Our Embassy appointments on Dec. 7th went well and we got a "Congratulations" from the interviewer. PRAISE! We (along with the help of best friends and the best social worker) got our homestudy update and extension request delivered to USCIS in MO just one day shy of our expiration date! I e-mailed our officer a few days later to tell him that we had confirmation that our paperwork had arrived before the expiration date and asked when we could expect an update about our re-approval status? The SAME DAY (a rare occurance...at least in our adoption saga) I got an e-mail back from him saying, "I just re-approved your adoptions"! PRAISE!

We learned a few days ago that we are out of Parquet and that our adoption attorney has prepared our Act of Adoption (adoption decree). Another PRAISE! However, the decree needs to be signed by the commisary who is currently on Christmas vacation. PRAYERS NEEDED NOW! It is "expected" (but we all know by now that you can't expect anything on time in Haiti) that Mr. Signature will return to office on Dec. 26th. We are praying hard that he will sign our decree (and others) before the sunset of the 31st. There are several reasons why it is important for us to receive our adoption decree before 2011 ends. One of these reasons is that the adoption tax laws are changing in 2012. For us this change will mean (as far as we have gathered) that we will no longer be eligible for reimbursement on adoption expenses (like $25,000 of accumulated expenses in 2010-2011!) but only will receive a "credit" toward what we owe the IRS. Since we never owe the IRS anything, we won't even get the credit. We expected the amount of the refund to be reduced in 2012 but not turned into something totally different! If anyone out there knows a little more about this issue, we would love to understand it better...though we're not liking what we are understanding so far! We are trusting that God knew all this beforehand and will never forget the way He has provided the resources necessary to complete our adoptions. PRAISE! We were hoping the tax refund would be the provision for post adoption expenses (especially now that we are living on missionary support), but our real hope doesn't rest with some tax refund but with our Provider. Yet we can still pray that we receive the adoption decree (which is the document listed on the U.S. tax law to verify the adoption took place) before the end of 2011! We have sacrificed so much and are so close and know that this is possible if it is God's will! We know that if this is not God's will, He will provide a way. He always does. 

Our adoption decree (whether that comes in 2011 or 2012) still isn't the end of the road, but it is a significant landmark pointing to the end. Our adoption decree will allow for our girls new birth certificates (with Ream as their last name!) to be issued and later for their passports to be made. Marguerite's aunt and Esmée's bio father will appear in court once again (this time at the U.S. Embassy and with the girls) on January 9th to be told that the girls are being adopted abroad and will have to give their consent to this (for the 4th time). Our paperwork will go to Archives yet again and travel back and forth between the Minitstry of Immigration and Minister of Interior to approve the visas. There is another medical appointment for the girls in order to receive the visa and then an appointment for us to obtain the visas. And of course this is only a simple reading between the lines of the intricate web of complications we call the "Haiti adoption process". Or what I call "my life for the past 2 years"! I won't bore you with anymore complicated details. Just know that we are "close" but that "close" could still mean a few more months. Never thought I would say this, but if it is still a few more months, we might be ok with that. You see, when the girls get their visas we only have a short time (we've been told 3 weeks) to get them to the states. Once they are in the states they will automatically be U.S. citizens. However, we will not have proof of U.S. citizenship until we go through several steps (more papework...Ugh...will it ever end?) to obtain this proof. We have to do this in order to obtain U.S. passports for the girls so that we can travel with them back and forth from the U.S. to Haiti. The process to obtain proof of U.S. citizenship and then U.S. passports will most likely be at least 3 months. I don't want to have to leave Eric and the boys in Haiti for 3 months while stuck in the states with the girls! It looks like (from approximate timelines) that we will be able to travel back to the states as a family next summer as planned. We would then have the summer months to obtain the proof of citizenship before returning to Haiti in the fall. But we know that our plans are not always His plans. I mean, we cetainly didn't plan to move to Haiti when we started this process! So we are just praising Him for where we are now, for progress, petitioning that we will trust in His perfect plan and provison in all these things. 

One more PRAISE! We picked up our girls from the orphanage today and we will be spending our first Christmas together! 

One more prayer request for Christmas! Eric and I feel we are getting the best Christmas present ever just to have our girls with us for Christmas. While our 4 kids think that's great too, they are really hoping (and expecting) a few presents that fit under the tree. Our families have sent such presents but they are currently stuck in Haiti customs. Tomorrow (Friday Dec. 23rd) is the last chance to try and get some (if not all) of them out. Will you pray with us that we will be able to at least get the boxes with our children's Christmas presents please? Today we went to a toy store hoping to pick up a couple "just in case" items. The prices were 50-75% markup from the states! As much as we wanted to grab a few things to put under the tree, we just couldn't bring ourselves to pay $60 for ONE Barbie or $35 for ONE boy toy action figure! Our kids don't have many toys here. The boys fit all the toys they were able to bring to Haiti in one small carry on duffle bag. Our girls have a few dolls (most of which are now missing limbs and/or accoutrements). When I start to think about their spoiled brat response at the toy store today, I am WAY happy we didn't buy that $35 action figure! But when I think about little expectant faces on Chrismas morning...let's just say that I've shed a few tears over not having stupid toys available (or affordable) for Christmas. Once again, trusting in His perfect plan and provision to display His glory and mold us into His image. Praying our kids have a good attitude (should the trip to customs tomorrow be a bust) about this molding as well! 

Merry CHRISTmas from our family in Haiti to yours! 
Pics and stories about life with our girls coming soon!