We have wondered and prayed for so long over what it would be like to have our girls with us in our home, with our other children, around our friends and family. We have always felt and believed that our girls were hand picked by God for us and for them. But we still wondered. We wondered if we would be among the many horror stories we have heard from other adoptive families. We know that statistically at least 1/3 of kids that come from backgrounds similar to our girls are never able to fully grasp love, nurture, and security even in the most stable and best case scenarios. We knew there was a chance this could happen for us (suppose it still could), but we still believed and trusted that God was calling us to adopt our girls despite these statistics, knowing the environment they are coming from, and the painful and costly adoption process God has given us the strength and resources to endure. We have had many people ask us how things are going with the girls here in Haiti. We had many people tell us that they wondered how the girls would feel about us being in Haiti and not "getting" to just live in the states. Without being too long winded and because I want to get to the "manje madness" part of the story sometime before midnight, I will just say for now that the girls are doing really great with us! We have seen/experienced NO red flags that we believe would signal that the girls are not bonding or will not be able to overcome their current struggles (which are primarily learning a new language, limited education, and according to them "manje"). The girls absolutely love it that we live in Haiti and since they've never known anything other than cold showers, they truly believe they've upgraded to princess when I boil water for them and pour it in a pot for a "bath". They are very comfortable here in Haiti (meaning that while they do not like their orphan status or the sad situation this puts them in...they still love Haiti). They are more comfortable with us because we are here in Haiti, amongst their people, eating their food, speaking their language. And the fact that they are not having to give up Haiti to gain a family or the states is a constant comfort to them. But that doesn't mean they don't want to come to the states. And they are fully aware that they are coming to the states as soon as their visas are issued (We have to bring them back to our home in the states since our adoption process took place in the states.We will have to obtain proof of U.S. citizenship so they can get U.S. passports before we can all return to Haiti)...but that's another story. I'm only including it now because it was included in the girls list of "things they struggle with" that they told us tonight.
The girls have been with us off an on since September (mostly on Haitian and U.S. holidays and some weekends). The rest of the time they are at their orphanage or attending their Haitian school. We've been able to have them with us for the Christmas holidays and are going on 9 days now! The past few nights we have instigated nightly meetings with the girls to discuss the pros and cons of the day. We find at least a few things to praise them for that they are doing well, and talk about the things that we/they need to work on the next day. Most of the time these meetings do not go as well as we would like for them to (because of language barriers, insecurities the girls have about "being in trouble", plain ole stubborness, and the inability to sit still for 2 seconds without grabbing and chewing on anything within arms reach) but we make a little more progress each time.
Tonight we talked to the girls (in a prepared Creole speech) and after they had read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in their Kreyol Bibla. The speech centered around them making a choice to do the right thing (which is listening and obeying mom and dad) the first time so that things will go good for them and that if they do not choose to listen and obey, but only do what they want that things will not go good for them. We can now have these conversations without fearing communicating this as rejection because we are certain our girls feel secure in our love for and commitment to them. They no longer question whether or not their positive or negative actions will improve upon our love. They know we love them just as much when they act attrociously as when they act beautifully. All of their "issues" that we have seen are somewhat normal adjustment issues and we have been pleasantly surprised that they seem to be doing better than the "norm". The most obvious issue is the "manje". Tonight (in a hilarious and humbling turn of events) we found out that this issue is just as obvious to the girls as it is to us!
After our little speech and a battle of the wills over eye contact, we asked the girls what things they thought we needed to work on tomorrow. No answer other than giggles and grabs at the paper and pen on the coffee table which immediately made it's way into their mouths. Reworded question a few times until it was something like, "What is the biggest struggle you face each day?" This time we got an answer in unison to the question meant for them individually. The answer. "Manje". "Manje" in Creole means both "food" and "eat". Our answer, "We know that is your main concern", but you know you have manje here. So what other things do we need to work on tomorrow (sooooo hoping to get at least one character quality, or just the word "obeyi")?" No such luck. Again they both said, "Manje". We then had another little speech (this speech is like a broken record by now) about food, about how we know the food has not always been there for them in the past, but that it is always going to be there for them when they are with us (so they don't have to act like a pack of starving wolves at all hours of the day)! Then we praised them (yet again) for doing so much better with asking before they grab food and for only taking what they need to eat (we were so surprised that for once they didn't pile their plates embarrassingly high at our Christmas Eve event and gave the reason as "not so hungry".
At the mention of the topic of "asking before you take the manje" they decided to capitalize on their chance to point out our parenting issues. They pointed fingers (and Esmée stuck out her tongue at Dad) saying (and still not diverging from the manje subject) that "Mom di wi men dad di no! Toujou!". Translation: Mom says yes (when we ask for food) and dad says no! Always!" Then they pranced about mouthing "Mom di wi. Dad di no!" The truth is that I am usually the one in the kitchen, and when they ask (at least they are now asking politely), I do always say "yes". But more than half the time my "yes" is accompanied by "but later". The girls typically ask dad for manje either right before or after a meal, which generally gets an answer of "no". While Eric and I were trying to gather ourselves for another speech about not asking the other parent after the first has said "no", one of our precious princesses said, "Dad piti Satan. Mom piti Jezi". Translation: Dad's a little Satan. Mom's a little Jesus. Ok now that was pushing it a bit too far...yet we knew we had already lost the battle in where we hoped this conversation would end up and decided that we could either be really mad or just laugh our heads off!
Some background here. Today we decided to take a walk to a nearby restaurant with the kids for lunch. The kids and I got quick sandwhiches and not so fresh slices of pre-made pizza. Eric on the other hand wanted a fresh pizza. By the time (which is usually about an hour and 1/2) Eric's pizza came, the kids were hungry (or at least were acting like they were) again and all of us wanted a taste of fresh hot pizza too! Eric was being stingy with his long awaited pizza. The rest of us refused to let him enjoy his pizza and were being greedy little pigs. The pizza box made it out of the restaurant with some pizza still inside that was labeled, "dad's pizza". Upon exciting the restaurant Evan points to a man in our path declaring, "look, he is missing his hand". The man who decided this was prime negotiating material stepped up to us and said (in perfect English while waiving his handless arm in my face), "You see I don't have many opportunities. I am very hungry. My belly is very empty.". I glance over at Eric who is tightly gripping his pizza box and then at my kids who are watching to see how we will respond to the handless man. I wanted to give the man a slice of pizza. Eric thought it was a better idea to tell him to take a walk with us and he would "find him some food". I thought that was ridiculous when clearly the man was eyeing the pizza in front of his face and I honestly didn't want him to have to walk two blocks so I could make him a sandwich at home. Eric thought it was rude that I didn't want him following us home...and later told me that he wanted him to walk with us so he could get him a drink as well. At the time I thought it was rude that Eric didn't want to give him the pizza. The pizza won out, but the spousal disputes that followed didn't exactly make this a great lesson in "if your neighbor is hungry...". It's not like every couple is prepared for what you should do when handless men come up to you asking you for food in front of your 4 children...and it's not like this doesn't happen to us just about every day in Haiti....we just don't usually have a much coveted pizza box in hand. Eric and I understood each others viewpoints later, but the girls were not involved in that understanding. Evidently they calculated this scene as one more mark against dad in the manje dept. They love their daddy dearly. They just don't like it when he tells them they can't eat his pizza.
The moral of this story is to never underestimate the importance of the "MANJE" to your adopted child. We (stupid us) still tried to turn the conversation from viewing their parents as little Satan and little Jesus a few more times asking what they most liked about getting to be with us in Haiti. Answer: "Manje" (though they were giggling and gave us a look that said, "we really love being in a family"). Finally we got a answer besides "manje" when we asked, "What is your biggest wish right now?" They looked down and got real serious, then looked up and said, "visas". The night before they had asked me if they would have to go back to the orphanage again. I painfully told them "I don't know. But if you do have to go back, it won't be too much longer before you will be ours forever. You are legally our daughters in Haiti now...we are just waiting on your passports and visas!" The last thing on the list "the visa" loomed before them as the main obstacle keeping them in their orphan's night. We tried to lighten the mood a bit then by asking, "What is the first thing you want to do when you get to the states?" Answer: "Manje". "Yes, but what else are you excited about doing when we get the visas and take you to the states?" Answer: "Manje pizza anpil" (Eating a lot of pizza). Apparently our boys have been informing the girls about CiCi's pizza buffet.
We've been missing our American restaurant variety lately, and the girls have overheard us talking about this some. But what we are really missing are those visas. Especially since I'm still trying to figure out if we need the visa along with the adoption decree (which we have) in order to claim our adoptions were finalized in 2011 for tax purposes. Visas. Grrrr. I'm with you girls! Sure hoping the visas aren't the deciding factor so that we can qualify for the adoption tax refund in 2011 and celebrate with manje pizza anpil for everyone!
