Defending the Cause

"Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; 

maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed."

Psalm 82:3

I once had a conversation with someone who had every good intention in supporting an orphange here in Haiti, but who was afraid to ask the necessary questions related to the accountabilty of support already received. This person truly wanted to help the children in need, but did not want to deal with the conflict of making sure it was the children that were actually being helped. When I asked the reason for unwillingness in addressing this issue the response I received was, "because right now God is telling me to just be still and know that He is God". This did not sit well with me. I believe the honest truth was more like "I am too invested and too afraid of what might happen if I ask that question".

Don't get me wrong. I do believe that God asks us to embrace and trust in His sovereignty in all situations, at all times. But I also believe that this verse all too often is taken out of context and used as an excuse to NOT do the right thing. My response was and remains, "What does the word DEFEND in defend the cause of the weak and fatherless mean to you?" Let's go ahead and talk about what God really is telling from Psalm 46:10. Martin Luther derived the inspiration for the beloved hymn "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" from this very Psalm. We sang that hymn in church on Sunday. It unsettled me enough to revisit that conversation in hindsight, to study Psalm 46:10, and write this post a few days later.


"Be still and know that I am God" is the ending reminder that God is with us (46:11), that He is "our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" (46:1). "Our refuge and strength" can also be stated "our impenetrable defense". The Psalmist often describes God as a "fortress".  Fortress = defense/protection from enemy in battle. Verse 9 directly before "Be still..." is "He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire." Sounds like a battle to me. The next call for stillness is not a preparation for worship, or a call to simply lay low, avoid conflict, and watch God work. It is a warning to PREPARE for impending judgement on the earth. It is an encouragement to those who are on God's side that even though we are in a war, though trouble awaits, "though the earth be removed" (46:2) that we can rest in the confidence that He is with us, so "we will not fear" (46:2) as we fight His battle...for the battle is the Lord's, the victory is the Lord's, the glory is the Lord's. But we are called to fight, to defend. 

We have been so blessed by the people we know and hear of who take seriously the call of "defending the cause of the fatherless". We know God is pleased when the hearts of His people are turned in this direction. But what should defending this cause look like? Specifically, what should it look like in a place like Haiti? Sadly, we have seen that all too often the purely motivated desire to defend the orphan is eventually manipulated and corrupted into defending one's own good intentions/investment. And the cause of the weak and fatherless is not defended. And the rights of the poor and oppressed are not maintained. (Please don't think I'm speaking specifically to any individual, humanitarian group, church, or adoptive parents. What I am saying is that as a whole intentions to help often backfire in this broken system and we all need to be very aware of that.)

I have been hesistant for a long while to write this post because this is a VERY complicated issue with no easy answers.There is so much we don't know. But there are a few things we believe strongly. Things that we now do know.


We believe that the existence of orphanages, while tragic, do serve a purpose. We believe this purpose should soely be to serve the children that endured certain tragedy to end up there. We do believe there are "good" orphanages that are doing the best they can with what they have and are serving the children of Haiti. We believe there are far too many orphanages in Haiti (and around the world) that are not doing this. We believe that UNICEF's efforts to respond have in too many ways not contributed to the wellbeing of the children. We also believe that many efforts of many others (who may believe they are contributing) are not contributing either, but instead hindering the orphans defense. We believe that not every child that is placed in an orphanage needs to be or should be there. We believe that every effort should be made to make sure a child being placed in an orphanage has no better option. We do not believe that "better option" always (or even usually) identifies with street kids, and kids living in tent cities. Because we believe that in most cases it is better to be free. Because a high percentage of the orphanages in Haiti represent conditions likened to prison. We can say these things now because we live here now, and now we see. We know hundreds of kids living in orphanages. We know street kids. We know people who live in tent cities. We know mothers who are deperately trying to keep their children. We know people who are desperately trying to help these mothers. We know children who miss their Haitian families, and wish there was a way for them to stay together. If only a way had been presented. Everyone wants to defend the cause of the children, but shouldn't part of this "defense" be to maintain the rights of the child's family? I think of all the times I sat across from a young woman at the crisis pregnancy center and when Eric and I worked in a teen maternity home living with these precious girls 24/7 and sharing in their struggles and sorrows. I remember spending countless hours with them pouring over their options for the future...making sure that they had every resource possible to maintain their right to make the best decision for both mother and baby. I remember a few weeks back when Navilla (our Haitian friend that helps us at our house) came to me begging me to help her friend find an orphanage to place her son. I asked why she wanted to place her son in the orphanage. Navilla said it was because the father of the child had died, and she no longer had the means to care for him. I asked how old the boy was. "Seven". I thought of my Ethan who is also seven. My mind flashed to the face of the child I birthed who has been with me for seven years whom I love so dearly. I pictured myself in this situation. If my husband died. How could I bear to lose my son too? This is what many mothers in Haiti face every day. If only someone would ask this mother, "what would it take for you to be able to keep your son?" Does she not have any rights simply because she is poor and oppressed? Does the orphanage down the road present her only hope? It could be something as simple as clothes and a backpack for school and $30 per month. Or... that little seven year old boy, much like my own, could end up (if he is "lucky") in an orphanage. Let's just say it's a decent orphanage where the children are fed, bathed occassionally, and get a little schooling here and there. And there are 100 other children. And the chances of a seven year old boy being picked for adoption out of 100 others are very slim. But let's just say he does get picked after spending a year or two in the orphanage and having some of his paperwork validated for an adoption. Then he waits another 2-3 years for the adoption to process. He has now been away from his mother for 4-5 years though she visits as often as she is able. The boy is now 12. How much of his childhood has he missed while caged inside the orphanage walls? How much has this mother missed of her son's life because she was simply too poor to feed him? It is always easy to want to help the children. Everyone wants to help the children. But when Navilla came to me with this mother's desperate plea, all I could think about was that mother. And myself. And how I would feel if I had to give Ethan away to an orphanage because I love him too much to watch him starve. How could I ever be ok with that? 


We obviously believe in adoption too. Though we understand all too well that adoption is born out of often painful and unjust situations like the one just described. We do not believe adoption is always the answer. But we believe that sometimes it is. For our girls and others we know and love and pray for daily...it is. Yet for thousands more who sit in orphanages it is not. And what is their defense? We believe it is ok to wrestle through these things and that the answers may be different from case to case. We greatly admire the courage of adoptive parents trying to navigate through this broken system. We wrestle still. 

The following posts on this subject also include things we believe and things we will continue to wrestle with from different angles. Please read and know that the people writing these have seen and experienced enough battles in this country to know what they are talking about. Please understand how controversial, conflicting, and confusing this issue can be. But if you truly want to "defend the cause of the weak and fatherless and maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed", wrestling through these things should be where you start.

"No More Orphanages"

"A Boat That Needs Rocking"

"It's Just a Business"

"For-Profit Orphanages Keep Haitian Families Apart"

"Haitian Orphans: Two Years Later, Still UNICEF’d"

The following (below) was written nearly a year ago in a blog post by Heather Hendrick, a friend whose family was also working in Haiti. I am including this because after also seeing these things with our own eyes in Haiti, we believe the following questions should always be considered by anyone seeking to adopt and/or support an orphanage here in Haiti (or elsewhere).

"There are a lot of orphans in Haiti, most of them not living in orphanages that keep them clean, fed, and loved.  The babies sit in cages.  Their lives are extremely sad.  And yet adopting from Haiti is a long, expensive, difficult process.  Anyone telling you anything differently is not telling you the truth.  Supporting orphanages here is also tricky.  Making sure you're connecting to an orphanage that is honest is difficult.  Most orphanages are over-crowded with disturbing ratios of children to caregivers.

Before adopting from an orphanage or financially supporting one, here are some important issues that we would want to talk-through and see proof (like with our own eyes) that these things were also important to the people running the orphanage.  Remember...this is just us...Aaron and me.  You are free to disagree.  We are not recommending any orphanages.  We don't feel comfortable doing that.  What we are offering are our own thoughts...the questions we would ask if we were in your shoes after living here and seeing some of this in person.

1. What is the ratio of children to nannies?  In baby rooms we like to see a 2:1 ratio (2 children to every 1 caregiver).  With the older kids, that number can be different, but with babies and toddlers, research suggests that those ratios help significantly with bonding issues once children are adopted into forever families.

2.  How does the orphanage handle teams?  Do they allow people to come in week after week to hold babies,  semi-attach to children, and say things like "Oh...I want this one.  I wish I could take you home." Is there a revolving door of visitors who are encouraged to care for the kids and attach to them, only to say good-bye 5-7 days later?

3.  Are the children's basic needs met?  Are the kids clean?  Are they fed well?  Are their diapers changed?

4.  What is the orphanage's protocol for taking new kids?  Do they take any kid, no questions asked?  Or is there some sort of system in place to identify the times when a mother does not want to give her baby away...she just needs some money...some help?  Most of Haiti's orphans are not true orphans.  They have parents.  We don't know the answers to any of these issues, but we know this concerns us enough that we would probably not adopt from an orphanage in Haiti that took babies without first trying to help, in some way, the mothers of this country.  In the very least, we would expect a birthmother to be very well educated about the decision she is making as she leaves her child at the orphanage.  As people who have adopted before, once the baby is home, having peace about the birth mother's decision to place her baby for adoption has been important to us.  We never wanted to feel like we were taking a baby away.  We wanted to know the mother was educated about her decision, offered options, and still chose to place her baby for adoption.  If we did not feel like our adoption agency did a top-notch job at educating our birthmom and supporting her, we would have a lot of nauseous, sleepless nights.

5. Do the people running the orphanage have any training in adoption related issues?  Do they know about RAD and have systems in place within their orphanage to address it and help children begin to heal?  A caution:  Anyone with a big heart can move to Haiti and start a children's home.  Anyone with some money and compassion can buy a house and fill it with kids.  That does not mean they have a clue about issues these children are facing, or the therapy, and safe-guards that should probably be in place to help restore these kids.  They may have big hearts, but haven't even read one book about adoption or issues adopted children face and the adoptive parents face.  And then there is always the sad truth that anyone with money and no compassion can move to Haiti and open an orphanage.  Not to be a jerk, but orphans can be big business...no matter what country you're considering.

6. What training does the orphanage or agency offer to families who are adopting?  Are they honest about what it's like to adopt a child who has been in an orphanage?  Do they try to prepare you, as best as they can, for the issues that will arise?  Do they discuss the regular, run-of-the-mill adoption issues?  Do they help you understand transracial adoption issues?  Do they try to prepare you for what it is like to adopt a child who has been in an orphanage?

7. Do the people running the orphanage do everything legally?  Just because the people running the orphanage are Christians does not mean that you can assume they are not paying bribes or doing things illegally to adopt kids out of this country.  If we ever sensed that something was not being done legally, we would run for our lives.  I'm not sure how it is that Christians biblically justify moving to Haiti, lying, and paying bribes in order to get what they want or adopt kids out of Haiti, but they do.  Some people will say that being a part of the corruption is the only way to get anything done in this country.  That is not true.  Please be careful.  And if you ever hear missionaries you support joke about breaking the rules here to get what they want will you remind them what Jesus says about corruption, liars, and oppressing the poor? 

If we were adopting from an orphanage in Haiti, those are the big things that we'd be looking for as we considered where to adopt.  If our church back home wanted to financially support an orphanage, we'd only suggest orphanages that were completely open to moving towards these goals (if they were not already meeting those requirements).   For example, maybe an orphanage does not have the money to hire enough nannies...but...they want to do that and would agree to do that if a church supported them.  Maybe they don't know anything about bonding issues, or how to rehabilitate children who have experienced great loss...but....they are willing and eager to receive training in these areas...that's what we'd be looking for before giving money to an orphanage here or encouraging others to do so.

And yet the fact remains...there are kids in Haiti who are living in incredibly sad situations.  God commands us to care for them.  That's never easy.  Caring for the orphan is extremely multi-faceted.  Orphanages are only the tip of the iceberg.  The real issues lie deep...hidden...harder to see or put a finger on.  Dealing with the real issues surrounding orphan care means thinking through why there are so many orphans in this country to begin with.  The problems in Haiti are multi-faceted which means orphan care in this country must be multi-faceted.  In many ways, caring for the orphan in Haiti means caring for the families...the mothers who have no ability to keep their kids.  With that in mind, caring for the orphan could look like adopting, supporting an orphanage, or ministries like Heartline and the Apparent Project who are working to prevent children from becoming orphans.

These kids are real.  They need homes.  There are no easy answers.  The issues are complex.  Trying to figure out how to best care for the orphan may take a lot of time and may not be as convenient as throwing money or a mission team at the situation.  It will most definitely take some research.  It will take asking hard questions.  Caring for the orphan may not be easy or glamorous.  Ask any parent walking through the murky and turbulent waters with an adopted child who is dealing with loss, the inability to connect, abuse, and anger issues.  Yet being involved in what God declares important is always worth it.  Being invited, through orphan care, to be a part of redemption is a beautiful, life-changing, faith building journey.

It's not easy, but God has called us to jump in, do the dirty work, and care for the orphan."

And though this world, with devils filled, 
should threaten to undo us, 
we will not fear, for God hath willed 
His truth to triumph through us. 

"A Mighty Fortress is Our God"
Martin Luther

19 Blinks and a Bunny

Esmée and Elita Marguerite in their Christmas princess costumes.

Nineteen days. That’s how long our girls were home with us this time. Eighteen days felt like a long time just yesterday. But today the girls went back to their orphanage. Today, it feels like each of those nineteen days was just a blink. I suppose that is how all of life is. Just these little blinks that remind us of what life was meant to be. Little blinks that make you feel whole and home. We are thankful for these little blinks…for these moments that bring us joy and beauty out of this painful brokenness. These moments that make us remember what our God went through to adopt us, and that He is making all things beautiful in His time. One day we will blink and our girls will be home for good. One day they will need to be reminded what it was like to be an orphan…what we went through to adopt them. One day we will blink and there will be no more tearful partings, no more longing, no more orphans. One day, in the blink of an eye, we will leave this broken world. Until then, we welcome these blinks that make us long to be forever whole, eternally home.  

Our nineteen days was a beautiful blink…except for day eighteen. January 9^th was the day the girls and their Haitian kin were scheduled to interview at the U.S. Embassy. We were not so much concerned about the interview as getting everyone to the interview. Eric and I were not required to be at this appointment, but several circumstances led up to us (all 6 of us) standing in line before 7am in front of the U.S. Embassy in Haiti yesterday. Our orphanage director showed up around 7:45 with his assistant and Esmée’s Haitian father, then went looking for Elita Marguerite’s aunt who was standing in the wrong line. He brought them to us in our line, then He left. The Embassy had apparently scheduled too many appointments on this particular day making the wait time both outside and inside the building too long for two little boys who had too sugary pop-tarts for breakfast. Because of this, too many people saw a not so nice mama (who had stayed up too late doing the defiant hair of a defiant daughter who had undone half of it right at bedtime after she had been asked to please leave it be for just one more day). I digress, but should note that this day did feel longer (much, much, longer) than a blink. Needless to say, no one was particularly happy to have to wait at the Embassy for so long. But it would all be worth it when we got the expected good report back from the interviewers. Right? 

Wrong. We did not get a good report. Marguerite’s aunt said the interviewer asked her when Marguerite was born and when Marguerite’s mother died. Half of Haiti doesn’t even know their own birthday. So I seriously doubt auntie (who relinquished Marguerite to an orphanage over 8 years ago) remembers the birthday of her sister’s 8th child out of wedlock! At least this is my take on why the U.S. Embassy now wants a “baptismal certificate” dug up from the archives in Haiti in addition to Marguerite’s birth certificate. Our orphanage director had gone over the date on the death certificate with aunt. But she told us later that she just couldn’t remember what that date was and told the interviewer just that along with, “can’t you look it up on the death certificate?” Apparently Interviewer did not want to look it up or maybe was just having a headache of a day too and took it out on us. So now we also need “further evidence” (other than a death certificate?) of mother’s death. But that’s not all. Oh if only we could have blinked the day away yesterday! I’m going to admit right now and prepare you for the fact that I don’t like Interviewer one tiny bit. There have been a few nagging fears that have plagued me in this adoption process. One is the fact that Esmée comes from a rural part of Haiti (you may think everywhere in Haiti is “rural” and you wouldn’t know until you had seen the difference). Her background story has been somewhat sketchy and we have been left wondering with very few details to piece together. Our fears began to subside after we met Haitian dad when we went to Haitian court in October. He filled in a few of the details we had wondered about at that time, and the fact that Esmée looks a lot like him made things a little less nerve racking for us. The reason we were worried in the first place is because there is a high chance that if the father is the only living parent that DNA evidence could be requested. This was the case in Esmée’s case and because we had so few details to go on from the beginning we had often wondered if this really was her father. But we didn’t question it after we met him in October. He had a picture ID with name that matched the name on Esmée’s birth certificate and more importantly the marriage certificate to her mom (whom Esmée had talked about some). Furthermore she did acknowledge that he was her Haitian father (though she didn’t seem to have a relationship with him other than sharing his last name), and then there is the look alike thing. So since October we were not worried about the possibility of a DNA test request. And we were not worried about it yesterday aftter talking to Haitian dad some more about his life and Esmée's former family, epecially when he seemed to think the interview went really well. He would think twice about saying that later. Reason # 3 not to like Interviewer. She demanded a DNA test! We honestly have no idea why she did this. I mean why in the world would a man who looks just like his said daughter make 4 different trips across the country in a hot and sweaty tap-tap to stay at an orphanage and endure several court proceedings if she was not in fact his daughter? Well, Interviewer asked that very same question (she knows what all we and all those involved in our adoptions have had to go through so far), but instead of thinking, "surely he must be the father", she asked, "how much compensation have you received from the people that brought you here?". He answered, "nothing". She should have belived him. There really was no reason not to believe him. She could have decided to believe him, but she didn't...just to complicate our lives a little bit more. So we could decide to believe that there must be some easy money making conspiracy with the U.S. Embassy and the U.S. lab that processes the DNA test. I know some people just think the problem with our adoptions is the Haitian side. But almost nothing we have had to do to process our adoptions according to U.S. stipulations has been exactly easy either. There was definitely nothing easy about yesterday.

So there we were. Eric, and myself (physically and emotionally drained from the days/past 2 years events and pretty frustrated with Interviewers report), two very naughty boys who had received about 101 threats as to what was happening to them when we finally left the Embassy (which now could not be carried out because the task at hand was no where near accomplished), two confused and scared little girls who were only thinking of what might come next in the day for them, one very shy, and now questionable bio dad, one sweet but a little sassy aunt who was ready to get on home, and one assistant who was trying to translate for the lot of us and who seemed to know less of what was happening than we did. The predicament now was that Haitian dad could not be allowed to leave (he lives far away) before the DNA test could be done. Now we know at least one reason why the Lord worked the circumstances out for us to be there (when we didn't need to be...or so we were told) with a vehicle for such a time as this. The nine of us piled in the Quisqueya 12 passenger van. We don't know how to explain DNA test in Creole yet. But we do know how to promise food to hungry people. This felt a little deceitful since we knew the first thing on the agenda was finding the BioMed lab while we tried to ignore the whines of our children and the fact that auntie was really only coming for the food (and wouldn't have come if she knew about BioMed lab). We called orphanage director and told him we were going to try and take care of this today while said dad was in custody, which he labeled "our responsibility" anyways (since the cost of the DNA test is not in our adoption fee agreement). Assistant seemed to know every backroad in Haiti and not one of them was paved, but we certainly could not have done better with the directions. Finally we found what is apparently the only place in Haiti that will do a DNA test. But the phone # and the opening-closing hours the Embassy had given us were invalid. The upstairs that does the DNA test closed at 2:00. We arrived at 2:00. They refused to help us and a little medium sized dispute ensued in the lobby. Our hungry noisy children joined in the unhappy discussion. Aunt did not look happy (she had already tried to jump out of the van when she realized we were not going directly to the promised food). Haitian dad was not happy either. He had not planned on staying one second longer than he had to. Now he was stuck until at least the next day. And he knew we were going out of our way to make sure he stayed stuck. 

What to do next...food. We needed food. We only know of about two decently priced restaurants in Haiti, and neither of those were in the vicinity. We had heard of another called Mucheez and breathed a sigh of relief when Assistant pointed it out just around the corner. We all got our fill of some tasty, unhealthy, food then had another medium sized dispute with the waitress about the exchange rate and how much more money she owed us in change. But the one good thing (other than full bellies)...the reason we wanted to go to the Embassy in the first place was for these. 

Marguerite, Mom, Aunt Marie Jean

Esmée, Dad, and Haitian Dad Jean Claude

We took a few pictures with the Haitian kin in October but the girls were not with us. And the phone we took the posed pics on was stolen the next day before we could download. We figure that someday our girls will have questions. Someday they may want something that connects them to their past...to their story. Sadly, Haitian dad and aunt are all we have at this point. We asked each of them if they happened to have a baby picture of the girls or any pictures of other siblings (both our girls do have other half siblings out there... somewhere). We were sad their answer was "no", but aunt did tell me she has a picture of Marguerite's mother. I plan to track her down (which shouldn't be too hard since she lives near us), get that picture and make a copy for Marguerite if it's the last thing I do in Haiti. The girls didn't seem too interested in hanging out with their Haitian kinfolk. They acted like acquaintences that were at one time vaguely bonded as if it had been a dream, but only felt like strangers now. Haitian dad told us that Interviewer asked him, "Why do you want to give your child to these people?". He said he told her, "I could not take care of her". He told of circumstances of her mother's death, his remarriage, and children by two other women who do not want Esmée. He said, "She is not my child anymore. It is very clear that she is their child. They are her family now." Esmée said basically the same thing when Eric asked her that morning if she was excited to see her Haitian dad again. She answered, "Not my dad. You my dad. I see my family every day now." 

Esmée sporting her "I Love Daddy" P.J.'s  which she loves along with her Daddy.

But even though this is the felt reality, and even though we are somewhat relieved and thankful for that, we believe that these people from our girls past are important. And we believe they care.  They wouldn't have spent the day at the Embassy if they didn't care. They wouldn't have stayed in a car on a wild goose chase for a DNA test if they didn't care. They wouldn't be taking pictures with us at Mucheez if they didn't care. And we believe they want to be remembered. And we want to remember them...even if the part they play in our girls story is painful. We don't want to forget that while adoption is a beautiful picture of what Christ did for us, it is also a picture of pain. The reason there is the need for an adoption is because there was something that was broken...something that couldn't be fixed...something very painful that happened along the way. While we celebrate the fact that our girls (and their Haitian relatives) have embraced a new family and a new life, we don't want to forget how they got here. Because that is part of them too. And we know that where God has broken us the most He often uses us the most. We pray that the painful parts of their past will point many to their Savior and bring hope and healing for others too.

We felt a bit restored after our time at Mucheez, but still had a long trip home in Haiti traffic and still needed to figure out where the rest of our crew was going before we could go home. Several conversations had been happening behind the scenes as to the plan for the rest of the evening in regards with where everyone should go and how DNA test would be accomplished the next day. Quisqueya work/school started up again Tues. morning and there was no way for Eric to be the one to accomplish this unfortunate task. There was discussion about how much the DNA test would cost and what form of payment would be acceptable. Then there were our girls who had dreaded going back to the orphanage after the Embassy, and who had been getting their hopes up all day when circumstances had detained their departure from us. The circumstance of traffic, the need for Esmée to get to the DNA test in the morn (our house being on the way to the lab), and the lateness of the day sealed the deal on their hopes. And so we headed home. As we drove through streets filled with trash and naked children (and a full grown naked man wandering by), I asked myself why I can never get used to these sights? Then next to a pile of trash, something else caught my eye. There were these caged animals. Turtledoves, chickens, and a soft brown bunny with floppy ears. For those of you who don't know, I am a complete sucker for bunnies. Everyone has some sort of compelling and comforting vice right? My vices are coffee with a lot of cream and strangely enough...bunnies. There was something in the contrast of this soft and delicate creature in that harsh cage. I wanted to tell Eric to stop the van and allow me to go rescue it (but knew that would certainly have put him over the edge in our ridiculous day that I'm still not sure how he manuvered). I just wanted to scoop that bunny up and save it from its certain demise. Then I looked at my girls on either side of me, scooped under each arm, and knew that for now, I had scooped enough. But the thought of the bunny still lingered in my mind. I imagined stroking its soft fur (which would have caused me to have an allergy attack...but I didn't imagine that part), and tried not to think too much about the other things I saw on the way home or all that needed to be done when we got there. I was thankful that at least everyone had been fed and would come home to a clean house. 


But the house was not clean. In fact, it was the epidome of not clean. I had spent the night before spending time with defiant daughter and defiant hair. So not even the things I usually do before our househelp comes on Monday morning got done. Then there was also the aftermath of six people leaving house in a hurry at 6am. I was relishing the thought of coming home to a clean house. Eric didn't know about this relishing. He had diligently locked the door behind him when we left that morning and househelp could not get in to filthy house. Lucky for her. Not for me. The night loomed before us as if this nightmare of a day would never end. After picking up the strewnings of several rooms, doing two sets of dishes (Eric felt bad about locked door and commenced the first set), laying out uniforms, yelling at kids who were way to rowdy for way tired parents, appologizing to kids, reading to kids, putting kids to bed a few times, repacking bags for girls and the next days adventure and deciding not to mop the dirt stained kitchen floor...I was beyond tired. And the unsmart (but usual) thing to do when you are beyond tired is to check the Facebook. I fought with myself about it because I really wanted to just go to bed. But also wanted to send Audrey a message telling her that I wouldn't be home in the morn if she popped her head in because I would be at BioMed lab paying who knows how much for dumb DNA test (thinking how once again we were wrong about thinking we had raised the rest of the money needed for our adoptions). I would have only been a minute on Facebook. That's always the intention isn't it? Stupid intentions. But this time God pardoned my stupidity. 


I had just started to type my message to Audrey when a dear childhood friend's name popped up on chat. She is one of those friends that is never on Facebook chat and that I never regret talking to in the rare times we do. Kindred spirts we are. So I just had to chat with her and after a few minutes of catching up we had the following conversation...


Friend: So, I HAVE to tell you something. My husband just ran into the office and said that I had to get up really quick. He said throw on some shoes and come outside. I said, "okay, but it is pouring rain out here". So I run out there and he is holding a flashlight and he is all "Where did it go?" and I'm like "WHAT?? "A bunny rabbit. A big brown bunny rabbit was in our front yard."


Me: Oh! I love bunnies!


Friend: You may think that is the story. I KNOW (you love bunnies). That is what I am getting at. God has been speaking to me in weird ways. I'm not all metaphysical or anything, but God uses nature sometimes, I think. And, lo and behold, every time I see a bunny, I think of you. Always have. Well, since college and your pet rabbit with the litter box. It is pouring rain and a bunny rabbit is in our front yard. First time ever.


(Earlier in our conversation my friend told me that her father had recently passed away. Her precious mother passed away just a few years ago.) Refering to these losses she said, "I guess that is why you have been on my heart. In a weird way, I'm an orphan - a 33 year old orphan, but I have an empathy for orphans I never had until now. God uses these bumps in our lives. And, I was blessed with incredible parents who died very young. But, I can relate to others so much better than I could before - I help other women who are grieving and now children, specifically orphans, have been on my heart. So, my husband and I want to help. I need you to tell me what you need."


I had vented a little about the DNA test before she shared about her father dying and the bunny story. I wasn't thinking about the DNA test anymore, but about my friend and what she had been through. I thanked her for wanting to help, and she said, "Did you get it? Wow, that was fast!" I was like, "Your last message?" She said, "No, my donation". 


DNA test covered! Thank you Lord! You allowed these events today in Port au Prince, Haiti...DNA test and all. Then you sent a bunny in the rain to the yard of an old friend in TX to remind her of Your prompting. She said, "This isn't my money, it's God's and He is being very adament about this in my heart." I thought about the caged bunny I had seen on the way home. Really God? A bunny! 


Instead of falling asleep feeling guilty for wasting time on Facebook, I fell asleep dwelling on God's faithfullness. I knew that He had orchestrated all of the events that day, and I knew that He would do so again tomorrow.


And He did. DNA test was accomplished early this morning. There were several complications and several trips here and there to collect forgotten items (like a lot of U.S. cash that was the only payment method accepted and a birth certificate for Esmée that had been forgotten...and then the copy we retrieved back at our house was unacceptable too, so off to Archives...and on and on the saga goes). But the point is to say that God issued the grace to get through it. He always does. And we know He always will. 


I know this is a long, long post. But it was a long, long blink of a day. And sometimes I just have to write this stuff down to process it all. I know God works in our lives everyday. I wish I had time to record it everyday. Today I just had to. Never forget His faithfullness. Even when all you see in front of you is rotting trash, naked babies, dying parents, and little orphaned girls, God is there. He cares. He thinks your past is important too. And He wants to use all these things to point many to the Savior and bring hope and healing for others too. Our suffering in this world will be over in the blink of an eye. Until then, think about the bunny stories in your own life. Think about how He knows you so well too.

"O LORD, You have searched me and known me.

You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

You comprehend my path and my lying down,

And are acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether."

Psalm 139:1-4

Manje Madness

We have wondered and prayed for so long over what it would be like to have our girls with us in our home, with our other children, around our friends and family. We have always felt and believed that our girls were hand picked by God for us and for them. But we still wondered. We wondered if we would be among the many horror stories we have heard from other adoptive families. We know that statistically at least 1/3 of kids that come from backgrounds similar to our girls are never able to fully grasp love, nurture, and security even in the most stable and best case scenarios. We knew there was a chance this could happen for us (suppose it still could), but we still believed and trusted that God was calling us to adopt our girls despite these statistics, knowing the environment they are coming from, and the painful and costly adoption process God has given us the strength and resources to endure. We have had many people ask us how things are going with the girls here in Haiti. We had many people tell us that they wondered how the girls would feel about us being in Haiti and not "getting" to just live in the states. Without being too long winded and because I want to get to the "manje madness" part of the story sometime before midnight, I will just say for now that the girls are doing really great with us! We have seen/experienced NO red flags that we believe would signal that the girls are not bonding or will not be able to overcome their current struggles (which are primarily learning a new language, limited education, and according to them "manje"). The girls absolutely love it that we live in Haiti and since they've never known anything other than cold showers, they truly believe they've upgraded to princess when I boil water for them and pour it in a pot for a "bath". They are very comfortable here in Haiti (meaning that while they do not like their orphan status or the sad situation this puts them in...they still love Haiti). They are more comfortable with us because we are here in Haiti, amongst their people, eating their food, speaking their language. And the fact that they are not having to give up Haiti to gain a family or the states is a constant comfort to them. But that doesn't mean they don't want to come to the states. And they are fully aware that they are coming to the states as soon as their visas are issued (We have to bring them back to our home in the states since our adoption process took place in the states.We will have to obtain proof of U.S. citizenship so they can get U.S. passports before we can all return to Haiti)...but that's another story. I'm only including it now because it was included in the girls list of "things they struggle with" that they told us tonight. 

The girls have been with us off an on since September (mostly on Haitian and U.S. holidays and some weekends). The rest of the time they are at their orphanage or attending their Haitian school. We've been able to have them with us for the Christmas holidays and are going on 9 days now! The past few nights we have instigated nightly meetings with the girls to discuss the pros and cons of the day. We find at least a few things to praise them for that they are doing well, and talk about the things that we/they need to work on the next day. Most of the time these meetings do not go as well as we would like for them to (because of language barriers, insecurities the girls have about "being in trouble", plain ole stubborness, and the inability to sit still for 2 seconds without grabbing and chewing on anything within arms reach) but we make a little more progress each time.

Tonight we talked to the girls (in a prepared Creole speech) and after they had read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 in their Kreyol Bibla. The speech centered around them making a choice to do the right thing (which is listening and obeying mom and dad) the first time so that things will go good for them and that if they do not choose to listen and obey, but only do what they want that things will not go good for them. We can now have these conversations without fearing communicating this as rejection because we are certain our girls feel secure in our love for and commitment to them. They no longer question whether or not their positive or negative actions will improve upon our love. They know we love them just as much when they act attrociously as when they act beautifully. All of their "issues" that we have seen are somewhat normal adjustment issues and we have been pleasantly surprised that they seem to be doing better than the "norm".  The most obvious issue is the "manje". Tonight (in a hilarious and humbling turn of events) we found out that this issue is just as obvious to the girls as it is to us!

After our little speech and a battle of the wills over eye contact, we asked the girls what things they thought we needed to work on tomorrow. No answer other than giggles and grabs at the paper and pen on the coffee table which immediately made it's way into their mouths. Reworded question a few times until it was something like, "What is the biggest struggle you face each day?" This time we got an answer in unison to the question meant for them individually. The answer. "Manje". "Manje" in Creole means both "food" and "eat". Our answer, "We know that is your main concern", but you know you have manje here. So what other things do we need to work on tomorrow (sooooo hoping to get at least one character quality, or just the word "obeyi")?" No such luck. Again they both said, "Manje". We then had another little speech (this speech is like a broken record by now) about food, about how we know the food has not always been there for them in the past, but that it is always going to be there for them when they are with us (so they don't have to act like a pack of starving wolves at all hours of the day)! Then we praised them (yet again) for doing so much better with asking before they grab food and for only taking what they need to eat (we were so surprised that for once they didn't pile their plates embarrassingly high at our Christmas Eve event and gave the reason as "not so hungry".  

At the mention of the topic of "asking before you take the manje" they decided to capitalize on their chance to point out our parenting issues. They pointed fingers (and Esmée stuck out her tongue at Dad) saying (and still not diverging from the manje subject) that "Mom di wi men dad di no! Toujou!". Translation: Mom says yes (when we ask for food) and dad says no! Always!" Then they pranced about mouthing "Mom di wi. Dad di no!" The truth is that I am usually the one in the kitchen, and when they ask (at least they are now asking politely), I do always say "yes". But more than half the time my "yes" is accompanied by "but later". The girls typically ask dad for manje either right before or after a meal, which generally gets an answer of "no". While Eric and I were trying to gather ourselves for another speech about not asking the other parent after the first has said "no", one of our precious princesses said, "Dad piti Satan. Mom piti Jezi". Translation: Dad's a little Satan. Mom's a little Jesus. Ok now that was pushing it a bit too far...yet we knew we had already lost the battle in where we hoped this conversation would end up and decided that we could either be really mad or just laugh our heads off! 

Some background here. Today we decided to take a walk to a nearby restaurant with the kids for lunch. The kids and I got quick sandwhiches and not so fresh slices of pre-made pizza. Eric on the other hand wanted a fresh pizza. By the time (which is usually about an hour and 1/2) Eric's pizza came, the kids were hungry (or at least were acting like they were) again and all of us wanted a taste of fresh hot pizza too! Eric was being stingy with his long awaited pizza. The rest of us refused to let him enjoy his pizza and were being greedy little pigs. The pizza box made it out of the restaurant with some pizza still inside that was labeled, "dad's pizza". Upon exciting the restaurant Evan points to a man in our path declaring, "look, he is missing his hand". The man who decided this was prime negotiating material stepped up to us and said (in perfect English while waiving his handless arm in my face), "You see I don't have many opportunities. I am very hungry. My belly is very empty.". I glance over at Eric who is tightly gripping his pizza box and then at my kids who are watching to see how we will respond to the handless man. I wanted to give the man a slice of pizza. Eric thought it was a better idea to tell him to take a walk with us and he would "find him some food". I thought that was ridiculous when clearly the man was eyeing the pizza in front of his face and I honestly didn't want him to have to walk two blocks so I could make him a sandwich at home. Eric thought it was rude that I didn't want him following us home...and later told me that he wanted him to walk with us so he could get him a drink as well. At the time I thought it was rude that Eric didn't want to give him the pizza. The pizza won out, but the spousal disputes that followed didn't exactly make this a great lesson in "if your neighbor is hungry...". It's not like every couple is prepared for what you should do when handless men come up to you asking you for food in front of your 4 children...and it's not like this doesn't happen to us just about every day in Haiti....we just don't usually have a much coveted pizza box in hand. Eric and I understood each others viewpoints later, but the girls were not involved in that understanding. Evidently they calculated this scene as one more mark against dad in the manje dept. They love their daddy dearly. They just don't like it when he tells them they can't eat his pizza. 

The moral of this story is to never underestimate the importance of the "MANJE" to your adopted child. We (stupid us) still tried to turn the conversation from viewing their parents as little Satan and little Jesus a few more times asking what they most liked about getting to be with us in Haiti. Answer: "Manje" (though they were giggling and gave us a look that said, "we really love being in a family"). Finally we got a answer besides "manje" when we asked, "What is your biggest wish right now?" They looked down and got real serious, then looked up and said, "visas".  The night before they had asked me if they would have to go back to the orphanage again. I painfully told them "I don't know. But if you do have to go back, it won't be too much longer before you will be ours forever. You are legally our daughters in Haiti now...we are just waiting on your passports and visas!" The last thing on the list "the visa" loomed before them as the main obstacle keeping them in their orphan's night. We tried to lighten the mood a bit then by asking, "What is the first thing you want to do when you get to the states?" Answer: "Manje". "Yes, but what else are you excited about doing when we get the visas and take you to the states?" Answer: "Manje pizza anpil" (Eating a lot of pizza). Apparently our boys have been informing the girls about CiCi's pizza buffet. 

We've been missing our American restaurant variety lately, and the girls have overheard us talking about this some. But what we are really missing are those visas. Especially since I'm still trying to figure out if we need the visa along with the adoption decree (which we have) in order to claim our adoptions were finalized in 2011 for tax purposes. Visas. Grrrr. I'm with you girls! Sure hoping the visas aren't the deciding factor so that we can qualify for the adoption tax refund in 2011 and celebrate with manje pizza anpil for everyone!

Praises, Prayers, and Progress!

First of all, THANK YOU to those who prayed for our U.S. Embassy appointments and adoption re-approval paperwork. Our Embassy appointments on Dec. 7th went well and we got a "Congratulations" from the interviewer. PRAISE! We (along with the help of best friends and the best social worker) got our homestudy update and extension request delivered to USCIS in MO just one day shy of our expiration date! I e-mailed our officer a few days later to tell him that we had confirmation that our paperwork had arrived before the expiration date and asked when we could expect an update about our re-approval status? The SAME DAY (a rare occurance...at least in our adoption saga) I got an e-mail back from him saying, "I just re-approved your adoptions"! PRAISE!

We learned a few days ago that we are out of Parquet and that our adoption attorney has prepared our Act of Adoption (adoption decree). Another PRAISE! However, the decree needs to be signed by the commisary who is currently on Christmas vacation. PRAYERS NEEDED NOW! It is "expected" (but we all know by now that you can't expect anything on time in Haiti) that Mr. Signature will return to office on Dec. 26th. We are praying hard that he will sign our decree (and others) before the sunset of the 31st. There are several reasons why it is important for us to receive our adoption decree before 2011 ends. One of these reasons is that the adoption tax laws are changing in 2012. For us this change will mean (as far as we have gathered) that we will no longer be eligible for reimbursement on adoption expenses (like $25,000 of accumulated expenses in 2010-2011!) but only will receive a "credit" toward what we owe the IRS. Since we never owe the IRS anything, we won't even get the credit. We expected the amount of the refund to be reduced in 2012 but not turned into something totally different! If anyone out there knows a little more about this issue, we would love to understand it better...though we're not liking what we are understanding so far! We are trusting that God knew all this beforehand and will never forget the way He has provided the resources necessary to complete our adoptions. PRAISE! We were hoping the tax refund would be the provision for post adoption expenses (especially now that we are living on missionary support), but our real hope doesn't rest with some tax refund but with our Provider. Yet we can still pray that we receive the adoption decree (which is the document listed on the U.S. tax law to verify the adoption took place) before the end of 2011! We have sacrificed so much and are so close and know that this is possible if it is God's will! We know that if this is not God's will, He will provide a way. He always does. 

Our adoption decree (whether that comes in 2011 or 2012) still isn't the end of the road, but it is a significant landmark pointing to the end. Our adoption decree will allow for our girls new birth certificates (with Ream as their last name!) to be issued and later for their passports to be made. Marguerite's aunt and Esmée's bio father will appear in court once again (this time at the U.S. Embassy and with the girls) on January 9th to be told that the girls are being adopted abroad and will have to give their consent to this (for the 4th time). Our paperwork will go to Archives yet again and travel back and forth between the Minitstry of Immigration and Minister of Interior to approve the visas. There is another medical appointment for the girls in order to receive the visa and then an appointment for us to obtain the visas. And of course this is only a simple reading between the lines of the intricate web of complications we call the "Haiti adoption process". Or what I call "my life for the past 2 years"! I won't bore you with anymore complicated details. Just know that we are "close" but that "close" could still mean a few more months. Never thought I would say this, but if it is still a few more months, we might be ok with that. You see, when the girls get their visas we only have a short time (we've been told 3 weeks) to get them to the states. Once they are in the states they will automatically be U.S. citizens. However, we will not have proof of U.S. citizenship until we go through several steps (more papework...Ugh...will it ever end?) to obtain this proof. We have to do this in order to obtain U.S. passports for the girls so that we can travel with them back and forth from the U.S. to Haiti. The process to obtain proof of U.S. citizenship and then U.S. passports will most likely be at least 3 months. I don't want to have to leave Eric and the boys in Haiti for 3 months while stuck in the states with the girls! It looks like (from approximate timelines) that we will be able to travel back to the states as a family next summer as planned. We would then have the summer months to obtain the proof of citizenship before returning to Haiti in the fall. But we know that our plans are not always His plans. I mean, we cetainly didn't plan to move to Haiti when we started this process! So we are just praising Him for where we are now, for progress, petitioning that we will trust in His perfect plan and provison in all these things. 

One more PRAISE! We picked up our girls from the orphanage today and we will be spending our first Christmas together! 

One more prayer request for Christmas! Eric and I feel we are getting the best Christmas present ever just to have our girls with us for Christmas. While our 4 kids think that's great too, they are really hoping (and expecting) a few presents that fit under the tree. Our families have sent such presents but they are currently stuck in Haiti customs. Tomorrow (Friday Dec. 23rd) is the last chance to try and get some (if not all) of them out. Will you pray with us that we will be able to at least get the boxes with our children's Christmas presents please? Today we went to a toy store hoping to pick up a couple "just in case" items. The prices were 50-75% markup from the states! As much as we wanted to grab a few things to put under the tree, we just couldn't bring ourselves to pay $60 for ONE Barbie or $35 for ONE boy toy action figure! Our kids don't have many toys here. The boys fit all the toys they were able to bring to Haiti in one small carry on duffle bag. Our girls have a few dolls (most of which are now missing limbs and/or accoutrements). When I start to think about their spoiled brat response at the toy store today, I am WAY happy we didn't buy that $35 action figure! But when I think about little expectant faces on Chrismas morning...let's just say that I've shed a few tears over not having stupid toys available (or affordable) for Christmas. Once again, trusting in His perfect plan and provision to display His glory and mold us into His image. Praying our kids have a good attitude (should the trip to customs tomorrow be a bust) about this molding as well! 

Merry CHRISTmas from our family in Haiti to yours! 

Pics and stories about life with our girls coming soon!

One Step Closer...

Day by day. Week by week. We know we are getting one step closer to adoption day. It doesn't always feel like we are getting closer as we wait and wait while another month disappears. We aren't just waiting around though. I realized tonight that this would be the first month since June 2010 without a post if I did not write one tonight! This is not because there is nothing to tell, but only because there is so much to tell! Now I just don't know where to begin! We've made so much progress with the girls! They have spent the past two long weekends with us and we can hardly wait for the day that they will never have to go back to the orphanage. Eric and I have been taking Creole classes the past few weeks for 2 hours each night. This is one (among many) reasons there has been no time for blogging this month. Our improved communication with our girls in Creole in addition to their English aquisition is one more praise in our progress report! 


Here are a few more praises this month!


We received word on November 7th that President Martelly signed our dispensations! We had to have the President of Haiti personally sign waivers on our adoptions (even though we meet all of Haiti's adoption requirements) simply because we have biological children. Others we know have been waiting for months to get this presidential dispensation signed. Ours came through within 18 days of our adoption paperwork being submitted after we completed Haitian court. Now our paperwork has moved on to Parquet. We are hopeful that we will exit Parquet soon. One of our friends that went to Haitian court with us (but who didn't have to have the dispensation because they do not have bio kids) came through Parquet within 2 1/2 weeks after exiting court. It has been longer than that since our dispensations were signed, but we are not exactly sure when our paperwork was submitted in Parquet. And of course there really is no telling how long something will take in any step of this crazy process! We continue to pray for soon. Thank you for praying for soon with us and celebrating each time we are one step closer. 


Lord willing we will be one step closer one week from today. We have our U.S. Embassy (in Haiti) appointments set for Wednesday December 7th. We will have more questions asked of us as to why we are adopting, if anything has changed in our circumstances (pray for wisdom as to how to answer that one), if we will be able to provide for our adopted children, and show proof of all these things. We will have to submit more forms (for the U.S. goverment this time), and pay another $800 to the U.S. (for the second child because we are adopting two that are not bio siblings). We have a list of documents we have to collect from our orphanage director as well. Today I received an e-mail from him saying he would have all the documents ready for us. This was a huge relief to hear! There are still a few details to work out such as when and where we will get the required documents from him, arrangements for our boys (we will need to be at the appointment way before they go to school), and how to pay for that $800 (we are hoping to get our Chosen Marathon money by then, but not sure we will). Please pray with us for all these details! 


And one more prayer request! 


Our I-171 approval to adopt issued by the U.S. was granted in June of 2010. This approval expires after 18 months if the adoption is not completed. We get one free extension for another 18 month period. Our approval expires on December 13th. We have to submit an updated homestudy along with our extension request. We have contacted our case worker who gave approval before and he has told us that we need to include our "significant changes" with our updated homestudy. We have discussed all these things with our social worker who is currently updating our homestudy for submission. We would like to ask for prayer that our case worker reapprove our extension request and that no further information is requested other than what we are able to give at this time. We are thankful that our Embassy appointments were scheduled on December 7th just shy of our December 13th expiration date so that we would have a non-expired form in hand. We requested by e-mail that our appointment be in November, but I realized later that our prayer request was that we receive an appointment before December 13th. God is so good. And even when we can't see or feel Him moving, we know He is here fighting off the enemy. We know the enemy doesn't want to see two more orphans step out of darkness. We know that he doesn't like it that our girls are already stepping out. WAY OUT! We know he doesn't want us to take one more step closer. We know we are still in a war. But we are one step closer to victory day! 

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

1 Corithians 15:57